Wish You'd See the Light Syndrome

Greetings and Salutations!

Today I want to focus on one of the most prevalent of all the Syndromes of the Lost Self.

The syndromes are negative states of mind that you can spin around in endlessly without seeming to get anywhere. If you missed last weeks post on them, you can find it here.

Today’s syndrome is going to be especially relevant to you if you’ve ever found yourself rehearsing a conversation with someone trying to figure out how to make them see the light in some way.

I mean, who hasn’t found themselves trying to get the gotcha angle?

Let me start with a personal example… (ie, welcome to the Self Salutation Newsletter, where Simon divulges and dissects all the types of looney he battles with in hopes that it will help someone).

A leader without authority

When I left the monastic life about thirteen years ago, I struggled to find work and got by mostly with writing gigs I found through an online freelancing platform.

During that time, I was hired by a guy to edit his website. About a week later, he asked me to manage his sales team.

Yeah. That was random.

So there I was, managing a group of experienced salespeople with all my monk credentials. Most of them tolerated me well enough since I didn’t throw my weight around and took a servant leader approach. Except one guy. I’ll call him Ralph.

Ralph talked loud, long and often, tried to take over the meetings I called, and always attempted to push us in exactly the opposite direction from whichever direction the rest of us had just settled upon.

Ralph was downright aggressive, passive aggressive, and every other kind of aggressive in-between.

But, hey. I’d managed monks before. And if you think monks only come in the humble variety you’re sorely mistaken. I figured I’d win Ralph’s heart and earn his trust in time.

Well, it didn’t happen. Ralph had it in for me.

After a few weeks with no improvement, I found myself waking up dreading an upcoming meeting.

In time, I had an ongoing argument with Ralph in the back of my mind where I tried to find the magic words that would wake him up to how much better everything would be if he just chilled out.

Wish You’d See the Light Syndrome

It’s easy to fixate on the shortcomings of other people and then carry out imaginary conversations with them throughout your day—or night.

Your scenario might be a boss who doesn’t seem to recognize the work you do, a co-worker who antagonizes you, or a friend who let you down.

It’s easiest to have this kind of conflict with the people we’re closest with, like your spouse or other members of your family.

Fortunately nobody struggles with their parents in this way. Excepting the 7.888 billion people inhabiting the earth, that is.

We can spend a great deal of energy trying to fix other people, get them to change, get them to see how inappropriate or wrong or stupid they’re being.

The problem is that as right as you might be and as many ways as you might try, it generally does zilch to help.

In fact, not only is it almost always futile, but it’s also the case that when you try out your plan, the offender will often just dig in their heels and become even more committed to their mistaken ways.

People have to want to change on their own. End of story.

How I broke the spell

I think of the Syndromes of the Lost Self as spells because as real and enduring as they can feel, they vaporize the minute you uncover the real problem.

If you’ve read enough of my previous posts, you won’t be surprised that the solution to Wish You’d See the Light Syndrome was a journey through the Labyrinth of Repressed Emotions. Here’s how it went…

First, it was important for me to accept the fact that I was angry at Ralph.

I like to be om shanti shanti all the time, so it’s hard for me to admit it when Mr. Transcendence gets pissed off. But you can’t get to the ultimate truth of the matter without starting with the truth of where you’re at.

So I allowed my anger a little expression. I call this this letting out your Little Emperor.

Next, I asked myself what was underneath the anger. You see, the Little Emperor isn’t just thrashing about for no reason.

This is such an important to remember: we get stuck in a syndrome because we don’t want to admit our anger. It can help you take the step of admitting your Little Emperor when you recognize that your anger is a defense.

Well, just to be clear, anger can also be a righteous response to oppression. But often it’s a misguided attempt at protecting yourself from experiencing a difficult emotion. In my example with Ralph, it was the latter.

In my labyrinth metaphor, the Little Emperor stands guard at the gates of the Garden of Vulnerability, the place where the fears about ourselves that we have but don’t want to acknowledge reside.

Entering the Garden

Once my Little Emperor had his moment, I had to ask myself why it is that I was triggered by Ralph? What’s the emotion the Little Emperor was protecting me from experiencing? Sure, Ralph was a special challenge. And sure, there was some advanced math in dealing with someone like him. But underneath it all he had gotten at me—why?

At the root of emotional integration is the reality that we are entirely responsible for our own emotions. We have to take ownership of that. Ralph didn’t make me feel angry. I am responsible for my own feelings.

To get at that root takes courage.

When I gathered the strength and examined what was going on, I eventually entered the Garden of Vulnerability. I realized what may have been obvious to you all along…

I was insecure because everyone was more qualified than I was.

I was afraid of being exposed as an imposter. I was afraid of failing. As a result of my insecurities, I fed into the problematic dynamic with Ralph in ways that I didn’t see.

Once I tended to my feelings of insecurity (probably the most important part of the Self Salutation process which I discuss more here) I could deal with Ralph in a different way. I recognized him more for his gifts and experience and invited him to take some of the leadership he so desperately craved. I was too threatened by him to do that previously.

It wasn’t a silver bullet, trust me. We never had a kumbaya around the fire moment. Ralph was still Ralph with his own set of challenges in life. But it dramatically changed our dynamic. I managed him without losing my shanti.

I hope this helps you through your own labyrinth!

Peace,

Simon

P.S. Join me today at 5PM Eastern Time for a live online meditation class, free of charge. You can sign up here. Spots are limited so please sign up now!